Hidden Fear

It is going to sound completely crazy, but I am fearful of money.   Yes, the very thought makes me nauseous and anxious.   I am confident it goes back to my childhood where I heard my mother constantly repeat that we didn't have any money.   In my child mind, I believed that we really didn't have any money.   The imagination ran wild with the anticipation of losing everything. 

Years later, my father invested a large amount of money in a company without my mother's knowledge.   I can remember the moment he told her because it was a few hours before my sister's wedding and my mother had a complete meltdown.   Being the youngest and the last at home, I experienced a lot of the tension that rose after that conversation.   For the next 4 years, my father nearly drowned keeping that business a float with some unsavory business partners.

While I was away at school, the financial situation at home became dire.  Almost losing our home, my mother and father came to a point where I didn't think their marriage would survive.  I really could not blame my mother because my father's process through this whole mess was dishonest and underhanded.  Now, I say that knowing that his intent was never to hurt us, but to give us a better life.   I am sure it look great in his mind.

During a creative writing class at school, the assignment was to write a story about how a difficult situation affected us.   At the time, I didn't realize how therapeutic this exercise would be, but it allowed me to forgive him.   By reading this to him, it allowed my father to really understand how fearful I was and how this situation had left me wounded.  Tears streamed down his face.  It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry.

My father has died, but I am still left with wounds.   Although I forgave him, it is difficult for me to deal with money.  I am fearful with it and without it.   When I have it, I don't feel like I deserve it.  When I don't have it, I become fearful of losing everything.

I am a work in progress.     By putting my thoughts on this blog, I realize that my money issues are tied up with relationship that I had with my parents.   I was the one in the middle....the peacemaker. It was a position that no one should ever be in and at the time, I thought it was completely appropriate.   Money and family.....I have a lot of work to do on the issue.

So, my head is all over the place today.   I am fixated on projecting into the future, like I have a crystal ball.  In my head, reality is a 3D movie with a lot of extras playing different characters, and I am the director.  I create different scenarios with every possible outcome.   Hysteria, chaos, and a dismal ending are usual how my "head" movies run.  So grateful that once I get out of my "bad neighborhood" aka my head, I can focus on today.....the now.....the present and relish in the fact that once I get out of the way, things work out exactly as it is suppose to, and many times, better than I every could have imagined.   Focus on the breath....in and out....in and out.....brings me back to the moment at hand.  

It's funny.....I have thought about blogging so many times, but wondered if there was really anything that I had to share.  All I am is a human being trying to get by on a daily basis.  What I realize is that what I can share is my experience, my strength, and my hope for living each day to its fullest potential.   So let's begin with the reality that is my life.   I am a mother of two amazing boys and married almost twenty years.  In that time, I have walked through the grieving process when my oldest son was born.   Bailey entered this world with grace and dignity along with the diagnosis of Down syndrome.   At 27, I was stunned at the news and grieved the lost of a "normal" child.  

The funny thing is now I know there is no such thing as normal.    In my infinite way, I ran with it.   I pushed away my husband and dove into making this diagnosis work for me.  By 6 weeks, Bailey was already enrolled in speech and physical therapy.   My state of mine was fear.   Fear that he won't be able to be independent.  Fear that someone would take advantage of him.  Fear that I wouldn't be able to be a good Mother to him because I wanted him to be typical.   There is a reality that I am not proud of, but there was a time that I thought it would be better if he died.  

When I reflect on that now, it occurs to me that I was in a very dark place.   Today, I couldn't imagine my life without him.   His spirit and his light are forever present.  He is funny, independent, stubborn, grumpy, kind.....basically, he IS a typical teenager.  Be careful what you wish for:)  While living in that state of fear (Future Events Appearing Real), I missed out on some amazing milestones because my focus was not in the present.  Today, I strive to live in that present moment.  Taking each moment and cherishing it.  

"One of the greatest feelings in life is the conviction that you have lived the life you wanted to live-with the rough and the smooth, the good and the bad-but yours, shaped by your own choices, and not someone's else's." ~Michael Ignatieff~