It is going to sound completely crazy, but I am fearful of money. Yes, the very thought makes me nauseous and anxious. I am confident it goes back to my childhood where I heard my mother constantly repeat that we didn't have any money. In my child mind, I believed that we really didn't have any money. The imagination ran wild with the anticipation of losing everything.
Years later, my father invested a large amount of money in a company without my mother's knowledge. I can remember the moment he told her because it was a few hours before my sister's wedding and my mother had a complete meltdown. Being the youngest and the last at home, I experienced a lot of the tension that rose after that conversation. For the next 4 years, my father nearly drowned keeping that business a float with some unsavory business partners.
While I was away at school, the financial situation at home became dire. Almost losing our home, my mother and father came to a point where I didn't think their marriage would survive. I really could not blame my mother because my father's process through this whole mess was dishonest and underhanded. Now, I say that knowing that his intent was never to hurt us, but to give us a better life. I am sure it look great in his mind.
During a creative writing class at school, the assignment was to write a story about how a difficult situation affected us. At the time, I didn't realize how therapeutic this exercise would be, but it allowed me to forgive him. By reading this to him, it allowed my father to really understand how fearful I was and how this situation had left me wounded. Tears streamed down his face. It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry.
My father has died, but I am still left with wounds. Although I forgave him, it is difficult for me to deal with money. I am fearful with it and without it. When I have it, I don't feel like I deserve it. When I don't have it, I become fearful of losing everything.
I am a work in progress. By putting my thoughts on this blog, I realize that my money issues are tied up with relationship that I had with my parents. I was the one in the middle....the peacemaker. It was a position that no one should ever be in and at the time, I thought it was completely appropriate. Money and family.....I have a lot of work to do on the issue.
